Jewish Mother jokes - it is one of those love/hate relationships. We find them funny and also somewhat insulting - and at the same time! Jewish women are portrayed as being loud and demanding. But let's face it, that is what it takes to get things done in this world. So maybe these are traits to embrace and be proud of. So in honor of all the Jewish Mamalas, Tantes and Bubbies (and let's not forget the Machatunim), let's celebrate strong women - and have a laugh too!
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: “I’ll sit in the dark.”
What did the waiter say to the group of Jewish mothers sitting in a restaurant? “Hello, is anything okay?”
A young Jewish boy, being an obedient son, goes to the bakery to deliver a message from his mother to a very busy and very overworked baker. As the baker is working, the boy yells out, “My momma says there was a fly in the raisin bread.” The baker continues at his task, hardly taking notice. So the boy yells out again, “My momma says there was a fly in the raisin bread.” The baker, wishing to put an end to the nuisance, says, “Fine. So bring me the fly, I’ll give you a raisin.”
What did the Jewish mother say to her porn actress daughter after a gang bang? “You were the best one.”
A Jewish girl becomes president and says to her mother, “You’ve got to come to the inauguration, Mom.” The mother says, “All right, I’ll go, I’ll go. What am I going to wear? It’s so cold. Why did you have to become president? What kind of job is that? You’ll have nothing but tsuris.” But she goes to the inauguration, and as her daughter is being sworn in by the chief justice, the mother turns to the senator next to her and says, “You see that girl up there? Her brother’s a doctor.”
A grandmother and her beloved grandson are at the beach. They’re playing near the shore. Suddenly a giant wave comes and sweeps the boy out to sea. The grandmother is beside herself with grief. She drops to her knees. She’s weeping and sobbing and implores God to return her little one. Lo and behold, another giant wave comes and deposits him back on the shore, unharmed. The grandmother embraces him and, overwhelmed with gratitude, thanks God over and over and over. Then she pauses, looks up and says to God, “But where’s his little hat?”
Sadie and Betty are having lunch. Sadie asks Betty, “Do you know Mel Rubinstein?” Betty says, “I do. Why?” Sadie says, “He asked me on a date.” Betty says, “Let me tell you about Mel Rubinstein. We went on a date two weeks ago. He pulled up in a big Cadillac with two dozen roses. We went to the best show on Broadway, tickets fifth row center. Then we went to Sardi’s for dinner. Lobster, filet, champagne, caviar. He drove me home, and I said, ‘Do you want to come in for a cup of coffee?’ No sooner did we get inside, he ripped my dress off and had me right there on the floor, twice!”
“Oh my God,” Sadie says, “What should I do?”
“Wear a schmatta,” says Betty.
A Jewish woman in a hospital says to the doctor that she wants to be transferred. The doctor says, “What is it, the food?” She says, “The food is fine. I can’t kvetch.” “Is it the room?” he says. “No,” she says, “the room is beautiful. I can’t kvetch.” “What about the staff? Is there a problem with the staff?” She says, “No. They’re beautiful people. I can’t kvetch.” “So why do you want to be transferred?” he asks. “I can’t kvetch,” she says.
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench, arguing over which one’s son loves her the most. The first one says, “You know, my son sends me flowers every Shabbos.”
“You call that love?” says the second mother. “My son calls me every day!”
“That’s nothing,” says the third woman. “My son is in therapy five days a week. And the whole time, he talks about me!”